Tuesday, January 13, 2015

50-50 is kind of bullshit

"...until I realized there’s positively no way to keep things equal, and everyone suffers from trying to establish equality. People can only give what they are good at giving. And people can’t stop needing what they need. It’s what they need.
Kids need taking care of.
Money needs earning.
Those are two very unequal jobs. You can’t split them equally because they are not half-time jobs."
I have been thinking a lot about this quote, because it is true. I think it is also true if you replace "kids" with "people", though certainly it's truth becomes more urgent when there are kids in the picture. You should go read the whole article, though it will definitely make you uncomfortable.  If you're going to do that, you should also read this one, where Penelope points out that Sheryl Sandberg referred to Beyonce as a "full-time Mom", and how saying that basically tells women that they wouldn't have to make tough choices about priorities if they would only work a little harder. Like Beyonce. Like Sheryl. 
My brain is like a broken record on this idea of equality in marriage. And then I read this article about an interview with Nicki Minaj's ex, Safaree Samuels, and I am fucking horrified because I can identify with some of what he is saying. Don't get me wrong, he's a total ass-hole for implying that he should get credit for her raps. I have spent hours talking about design with my husband, helping him prepare for meetings, critiquing his work and making suggestions for improvements. I believe that I could never make the leap to taking credit for a building he designed, but the fact remains that I was there - I helped as best I could to catapult this talented person that I love (and to whom I have hitched my proverbial wagon in a financial sense) to be his best self. When Samuels says: "Don't say that 'oh, I don't have no talent' because every time it came to her writing raps and doing music, it was me and her and a beat. She doesn't do it by herself, it's me and her." what I'm hearing is a guy who sincerely believed he was helping. Unfortunately, he declined to comment further when pressed on whether or not he was implying that he was a co-writer, which made him come off like a dick.  I can't speak for what Minaj and Samuels' relationship was like, but I can relate to the conflicted feelings about your worth that come with being a trusted adviser and partner to someone who is talented and successful. 
People need taking care of.
Money needs earning. 
The hours I spend with my husband helping him brainstorm or talking about his work, that's time I don't spend thinking about my job or my personal goals. When the time came (twice, in the last 3 years alone) to make a decision that prioritized his career over mine I forged ahead with minimal hesitation, because everyone loses if you try to split that shit equally.  It would have been  like taking one step forward and two steps back for the rest of our lives. Now that I work from home, I'm able to support him more than I ever was before, and still have time for yoga every morning. Even though it will likely have a long-term impact on my ability to advance in my career, it is working out amazingly from a domestic perspective. And I can learn to live with that, because my life is defined by a very strong narrative that Chad and I are a team and we are both giving our best contributions towards our mutual success and shared goals. 
People need taking care of.
Money needs earning. 
What's annoying is that in the economy of marriage and relationships, women have been the "silent partner" historically, and I fell like about 80% of my discomfort with my situation is because I feel like I owe feminism something more. Samuels took a lot of flak, but is also getting a lot of attention because he's a guy in this traditionally female role. It would be easy, and perhaps well-deserved, to vilify him for being so egotistical as to suggest that he deserves credit for his partner's success. I don't know, I'm not in their relationship.  But people need taking care of, and money needs earning and neither one of those things breaks down to a half-time job. It's weirdly satisfying to hear frustration with that construct coming from a man. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

On Marriage and Grad School

There is no diploma awarded for successfully surviving your spouse’s graduate school program.  It’s true – you also cried. You were awakened at all hours of the night. You did the laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning and money earning for two this whole time, and you tried very hard not to keep score. Maybe you moved to a new city and got a new job. Maybe you spent some late nights and long car rides debating a subject you know nothing about, and your lunch break googling design parameters. You dreaded the stress of finals week and you celebrated the end of each semester (even though you realized that you were not the one getting a 3 week break). You cared. You invested. And now that it’s time for graduation, you may be feeling like you don’t matter.

It’s no secret that being married and in grad school sucks for everyone involved. One of the things that made the whole thing bearable for me was the fact that I really felt like we were doing it together – He needed to focus, so I made sure that he didn’t have to worry about any of those day-to-day functioning things like bills, oil changes and obtaining food. Then any free time he had was spent re-charging and spending quality time with me. I take pride in the fact that I contributed to his success by always supporting him, listening to his ideas and critiquing his work when he asked. Now that he’s about to don his cap and gown, and everyone is calling him Master, I feel

empty.

It also doesn’t seem right to take any of this moment away from him – he earned it! And I’m sure he could have done it without me, though he would smell worse and have slept less. I’m not asking for a ticker tape parade, or to have my name stamped on the diploma. I don’t really think I’m asking for anything, actually. It’s not terribly comfortable; it feels like a let-down right now. But just because I won’t be receiving an advanced degree in exchange for all my work, doesn’t mean it isn’t a team victory. I’m learning that marriage is sometimes about quietly standing behind the person you’ve chosen to share your life with, in the shadows, and having their appreciation be enough.


And maybe taking a really extravagant vacation together too. 

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Run Long, But Maybe Not This Long...

I ran 16 miles today, which is kind of an exciting milestone for me. 16 miles is officially the farthest I have ever travelled on foot in one day. The Grige and I did a few 15 mile days when we were backpacking in Yosemite. They were killer, because they ended up coinciding with our biggest elevation changes. Unlike running, backpacking downhill is about the most painful thing a person can do. Our first 15 mile day ended with 8+ miles of rocky, miserable downhill. The views were amazing, but I've never seen the Grige so miserable, and I wasn't much better.

Trust me, you don't want to have that much mountain still in front of you at sunset. Ever. 
I've never forgotten that day, and my last two long runs have proved that 15 miles is indeed a formidable distance for the human feet/legs to travel in one day. last week, I really fought through the last two miles. This week, I had to fight through the last 4 miles. I may have cried a little bit around mile 14, and only visualizing finishing the marathon kept me moving forward (right around granny speed-walking pace).

So here is the deal: It's scary to have the long runs be this hard. I have been unbelievable lucky to have had amazing 50 degree sunny days for both runs. I've also not had a single gastro issue in two weeks (YES!!!). But I still end up collapsing on my porch at the end of the runs before I can attempt our front stairs. Also, I am SLOW. My last 2 miles today had close to 14:00 min splits. That is DEPRESSING. 26.2 miles feels impossible after today.

I'm really hopeful that this is just a tough barrier that my body will push through in the coming weeks. It's been 3 weeks since my last step back, and I think it's time for another. I'm planning to do a slow swim tomorrow for recovery, which brings me to a new gear addition! THE STICK.



Recovery has taken on a whole new meaning for me lately - I'm almost ready to give in on those stupid compression socks. But for now, this thing, in addition to my foam roller, is WHERE IT'S AT. It feels so good. In concert with some backwards running, this has really ironed out my quad issues. My recovery strategy has also expanded to include recovery foods, like pineapple and bananas. For example: I'm drinking a delicious pineapple mojito tonight! It's the ultimate recovery tool.

Here's hoping my 18 miler in two weeks is easier. I need to get a long run winner in before we head to Greece!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Adulthood

The following is the conversation that a 26 year-old woman (who has been living away from home for over 8 years and has traveled much of the globe alone) had with her mother this week.

Mom: "Are you getting excited for your honeymoon? Have you started packing yet?!"

Me: "Yes! I'm so excited, and I can't wait! I actually bought two new dresses for the trip, but I can wear them to work too, so it's a total win!"

Normal so far...

Mom: "Oh, honey. Just don't forget to pack a sweater or something to keep you warm!"

Me: "um... okay. Thanks, Mom...."

Because our mamas, they are always our mamas.

And yes, Mom. I will be sure to pack a sweater or SOMETHING. Today, tomorrow, always.

Happy almost Mother's day. I love mine so much!

Photo: Summer Jean Photography

Oh, Hey!

This morning featured some alarm mal-functioning (likely human error), which I did not handle gracefully. I revoked the Grige's alarm privleges ("No more snoozing for you!!") and generally acted like a total Hulk. And he has an interview today. ugh. Happy Monday to us, more coffee please!

In what can only be described as a karmic oxy-moron, I've had some writing published over at APW today. If you've found your way here via that post - WELCOME! I'm so happy you're here! Here are some posts you might enjoy:

Weddings

Marriage

Feminism

I have to go un-jam a printer for the umpteenth time this morning, proving that the universe didn't totally ignore my alarm-yelling meltdown. I'd be thrilled to hear from you in the comments, and if you live in St. Louis - send me an email and let's totally hang out sometime! (please).




Sunday, April 14, 2013

Life List: Unapologetically wear bright red lipstick

This "project" got kicked into high gear 2 months ago when I got bangs. As it turns out, bangs literally beg you to wear bright lipstick, as does the onset of spring.

Since I'm cheap, and this blog is technically about personal finance, I'll tell you that I started by grabbing a few cheap-o lipsticks at target. The moral of that story is that something like bright lipstick should really be left to the professionals. I love the "makeup counter" one I got a lot more. I'm sure someone with more experience could do better at the drugstore than I did though. So here's the lipstick progression for you:

1. Here's my regular "pumped up" lip look (by which I mean, I bothered to put on something other than Burt's Bees chapstick). It's Bobbi Brown "Nude 9" lip liner pencil and  Chanel #94 lip gloss "Sundress".  I have thinner lips, so the liner pumps them up but the gloss only keeps them pretty neutral.


2. Here's the look I wore for my wedding. It's Bobbi Brown #7 "Rose Petal" glossy lipstick. I like it, because it's just slightly north of my exact natural lip color, but comes off a little heavier than just gloss and liner.


Now, I know what you're thinking. There is essentially NO DIFFERENCE between those two photos. You are totally right, which leads me to the life list item: Unapologetically wear bright red lipstick. It's a little out of my comfort zone, to say the least.

I ended up with a blue-red and an orange-red. The blue red is supposed to be awesome for making your teeth look white. I think they both do a good job of that though.

So first, my Target purchase. This is Maybelline Super Stay 14 hour lipstick in 070 "Enduring Ruby". I feel doubtful that this would stay on for 14 hours, but whatever. I like that it smells good and doesn't require liner (in my totally inexperienced opinion). It also doesn't totally taste like wax/fish scales, which I'm a fan of. However, it's REALLY dark/purple-y and I feel like I have to be really choosy about what I wear it with as a result. So I haven't worn it as much as I wanted to.

 

And now, for the big finish. I took myself to the mall for some new tights, and found myself at the MAC counter. I ended up with AB2 "Ruby Woo" in Matte with AA2 lip pencil in "Cherry". This stuff is so super matte that you pretty much can't put it on without blending with a light gloss (I just use a layer of Burt's Bees first). lip liner is an absolute MUST. However, that means that it is not going ANYWHERE. I wore this to a wedding and made it through the entire dinner/cocktail reception without needing to re-apply. I LOVE this lipstick. so much so that I wear it at home while I'm cleaning because it just makes me feel that Fabulous. 



I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I'm kind of obsessed with j.Crew. This lipstick really reminds me of what they put on their models (albeit slightly toned down on me). I love putting it on with a broadcloth collared shirt, pearls, comfy jeans and Sperry's. It makes me feel so chic! It doesn't go over the best here in Missouri, but I refuse to give up the east coast ghost just because I live in a place where crocs are considered acceptable footwear. 

I love this red lipstick so much that I actually crossed off my life list item when I used this picture for work (cropped to look less like a selfie, of course). BOOM. If that's not unapologetic, I don't know what is.

Also, I have to be fair and say that the Grige HATES all lipstick on me. I think most guys probably do - it makes the kissing harder. However, that just kind of makes me like it more, because it means I'm doing in 100% for me - because it makes me feel good. 


So I'm wondering, what other fun makeup challenges can I do? I always thought this was a weird life list item, but in addition to being low-hanging fruit challenge-wise, it's been a lot of fun! 

Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Marathon

Yesterday, I registered for the Charelvoix marathon in beautiful Charlevoix Michigan.

http://charlevoixmarathon.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Charlevoix_Marathon_Map.jpg
I am kind of nervous, especially since my least favorite part of my half marathon was the 2 miles of close proximity out-and-back.  However, I'm hoping that I'll be focused on the views instead of faster runners. If you've never been to west Michigan, you are really missing out. Pristine beaches, nice people, low prices, perfect 70-80 degree summer days. To be honest, I'm pretty excited about running there!

I am also nervous because I ran 15 miles earlier today, and I seriously wanted to die for most of the last 2 miles. All I could think about was lying down in the grass and just taking a nap. So running 11.2 miles after that seems pretty impossible right now. However, running 15 miles seemed impossible a few weeks ago, so I guess I'll just keep plugging ahead!

I have been thinking a lot this week about my healthy goals for this year. Obviously, I'm pleased with how I've done with my exercise goals. However, I could definitely mix it up with cross training. I'll be attempting to attend one fit camp class per week and one yoga class per week. As far as food, it's been hard to balance my running related caloric needs with my goal to eat healthier. I'm trying hard to re-calibrate for this next phase of training by eating salad for lunch on week days. It's been really helpful to add V8 juice whenever I can. It give me extra calories in the form of fruits and veggies.

That's about it from around here today - I'll be cooling my heels on the couch and drinking cider for the rest of the afternoon. What does your Saturday look like?